End of Our Rope

We've always made an effort to make this blog as "real" and authentic as possible. We don't want it to be revisionist history or some pollyanna view of our happy family life. I think we've done a pretty good job documenting the good the bad and the ugly over the course of going on 6 years. That being said, we're going thru a pretty good run of ugly right now.

Anyone who has been reading this for any length of time is probably aware that Jake has had sleep issues his entire life. If not just go back and search if you're interested, otherwise take my word for it. And not just sleep issues, but massive, WWIII level issues that have come and gone in severity over the course of his life. They have been difficult to deal with at the time, but we have never chalked it up to more than just, "well he's a kid and it's just a stage". We're beginning to think we've been really, really wrong about that.

About six weeks or so ago, the sleep problems began to manifest themselves in a new way. The issues with going to sleep and staying asleep came back, along with fears of being alone, walking to school by himself etc. He has never been a kid who has been able to watch scary movies, being easily frightened, but again we never really put two and two together. All of the sudden, we couldn't read books with tension in them, not scary stuff even per se, just dramatic tension. For example, in a baseball book we're reading right now, some guys showed up at the sandlot looking to develop the land, surveyors, not spies or hired killers, but SURVEYORS, and that got him all freaked out so that we stopped reading that book.

This coincided with a note home from the counselor at school giving us a heads up that Jake got really scared during the "stranger danger" presentation that she had given. He started refusing to walk to school by himself, afraid he was going to be grabbed and kidnapped. For those who have never been here, we can see the school from our house (it's three blocks) and can watch him walking 95% of the way there. He was terrified after that of being alone. Wouldn't go upstairs by himself, wouldn't walk to the library (closer than the school by 1/2) and of course bedtime and sleeping thru the night was out of the question.

We decided that we would have him skip the "gun safety" presentation (welcome to Idaho!). And he asked us if he could skip the "internet safety" presentation as well. He could verbalize (he didn't like to, but he could) that he was afraid of being kidnapped. We explained that it was a safe area, that kidnapping was a VERY rare occurrence etc. But this extended into his bedroom at night as well. He was afraid that people were going to break in and take him. We tried to show him all the doors and windows were locked, the lights were on, that he was in the room with his brother, that Mom and Dad were in the house (I actually sleep closer to him than Tanner does), that we have a dog in the house etc. but nothing made a difference. Once we realized how irrational this fear was, we decided we needed to get some help.

We took Jake to see a children/family therapist. Marisa and I met with her once and described what was going on, his past history, the triggers and the effect it was having on our family to her. She made an appointment to talk to Jake, but to my surprise, in our first session, she brought up that it sounded like a possibly anxiety disorder and that medication might be necessary. At this point, I was still in denial about needing medication. But she saw Jake and talked to him once before our trip to Hawaii, and has seen him several times since.

In Hawaii, our vacation rental was broken into. Talk about horrible timing. Police officers at the house, Mom's and Dad's making sure the house was locked up tight at night, and the conversation that ensued, didn't make things any better, so the kids all slept on the floor in our room for the rest of the trip. No one really lost it or acted out, but it was just easier to move them in with us.

Well, since we have been home, things have continued to get worse. Now, not only is bedtime rough for Jake and us, but he has started talking his brother in to calling out for him (as we are losing patience) and is trying to bribe Tanner into staying awake with him. Tanner told us this (we were concerned that it would start to happen so we talked to Tanner about it a while ago) and we talked to Jake to put a stop to it. Now once Tanner falls asleep, Jake leaves his room and runs downstairs, refusing to be upstairs alone (the only one awake anyway) he refuse to go to his room until we go upstairs with him as well. So lately we have been held prisoner in our room at night to get him to fall asleep. We then get to sleep until about 11:00 or so, when he wakes up and calls out for us. At that point we have the option to fight with him and wake the rest of the house (and possibly our neighbors) up (this is NOT hyperbole, I thought the cops were going to come, he was banging on his door so hard and screaming so loud) or go sleep with him in the guest room. As a result, we haven't gotten a full nights sleep, nor slept in the same bed for weeks.

At the therapists advice, we took him to see his pediatrician Monday. His Dr. is wonderful, both with him and with us. He took it very seriously, ordered blood work (which all came back fine) and stated that he thought it was a general anxiety disorder and probably would require medication as well. He has referred us to a Child Psychiatrist who we are waiting to see.

In the meantime, we can't sleep, we're depressed and we're worried. About Jake, about the little kids and the effect it's having on them, about sleeping, about bedtime, about being horrible parents who have no patience, about our marriage and our sanity.

There you go, a healthy dose of the "ugly".

Faithy Turns 4!

We put out her presents on Friday while she was at school, which led to her running back and forth we she got home, screaming, "I can't wait! I can't wait!". All week leading up and all day Saturday, all she could talk about was her "Happy Birthday" and what she hoped that each person had gotten her.

This week in school, it was also her turn to be "special person". She and Marisa (more Marisa than Faith) did her poster board and we got to go into her class and watch her present it. She pointed to all of the photos and explained who each person was and what she was doing with them. Her class and teacher then sang her the special person song and she got to excuse her classmates all one by one. She also got to take home the class Teddy Bear "Calvin" for the week. Calvin has been to our house before, but each time the children get him, he is supposed to accompany that person for the week and you complete a photo pages of what you did with Calvin when you were the special person. The photo album goes with Calvin to each home. It's pretty cool to see all of the places that Calvin has been.

Calvin went out with us on Saturday night to pizza with some friends. After dinner we stopped on the way home and got donuts for Faith's "Birthday Breakfast". Sunday morning Faith got up, had her donuts and then opened her presents. She got a couple of new "guys" a stuffed dog and bunny that she just loved, a new game which we played as soon as presents were done, some very pretty new clothes and new"ballerina stuff" and dance lessons from her Auntie Sue. She immediately changed into her ballerina clothes and we put in the ballerina lessons CD and she proceeded to dance around the living room to the music.

After the presents, we went to an indoor play area here called "Monkey Business". Faith had requested that she go there for her party. The guests that she wanted to invite were Tanner and Jake. So the three of them played in the obstacle course, bouncy house and giant slide for the next hour or so. We then went out and got lunch, ran some errands (the included picking up the Princess cake) and came back home.

After dinner and cake, which the kids liked less than the "idea" of cake. We had a movie night and watched "Alpha and Omega". After that it was off to bed for our exhausted and very happy four year old girl.

Hawaii!!

We've only been back since Saturday night but already it seems a lifetime ago so I'd better write this blog tonight before I forget everything I want to remember!

After a night at the Super 8 punctuated by a police and paramedic visit to the room across the hall for some idiot drinking Four Locos and taking who knows what at midnight, we took off for paradise at 430AM to catch our 600 flight. Having never flown with the kids before we wanted to get there early and through security. The kids were very excited about the whole thing: the shuttle to the airport, waiting in line to check luggage, taking off shoes and sweatshirts going through security ("Why do we have to take off our shoes, Mommy?" Ummmmm..... good question.). We took a small plane to Portland and Tanner especially loved watching the props turning, the loudness of the experience, the flight attendant serving him diet coke at 6AM.... it was all new to them and it was so much fun to watch them. Luckily our plane was right on time because we landed in Portland and literally walked right onto our flight to Honolulu- we got lucky because that connection was tight. The six hour flight went great- kids played video games and watched movies while Brian and I read our books for the most part. Once in Honolulu we basked briefly in the sunshine, then ate a quick lunch and caught the flight to Kauaii.

We were the first to arrive and after

arriving at the house we headed straight down to the beach to check it out. The kids were so excited!! They got in immediately and started playing "run away from the waves". Lots of screaming ensued. No fear from Tanner and Jake- you would have thought they had spent their weekends at the beach instead of this being their first experience. Faith was a little more nervous and kept farther away from the water the first afternoon, preferring instead to dig in the sand and watch her brothers.

All of the aunts and uncles and cousins arrived soon after and everyone played until it got dark. The house we stayed in was right on the beach- bordered by a grassy area perfect for games of baseball and football when it was too cold/early/rainy to walk the extra 50 yards to the water. Most mornings found us sitting outside on the patio with our coffee while the kids played together, followed by a morning boogie boarding at the beach, lunch at the house, then some type of afternoon outing.

One day we went into Hanalei- a cool little town about half hour north-to get lunch and Hawaiian Ice and watch the waves (the beach was closed due to the strong surf), another day we found a beach by a little river with a rope swing which the kids (old and young) loved. One day we went souvenier shopping and ice cream eating in nearby Kapa'a. On the fourth night there we headed into Poipu to catch the free Hula show at the Sheraton (we had seen it 7 years ago when we were there!) only to find out upon arrival (45 minute drive later) that there was no Hula show during the construction (website failed to mention the fact that most of the hotel was not accessible at all!). Should have called first I guess.... but it turned out OK in the long run as we found a great little restaurant nearby with good food and two big tables (one for kids one for adults) just as a gigantic thunder storm hit. We followed that up with some ice cream back at the Poipu shopping village and all was well with the world.

Tanner was a surfing pro. He loved

standing in the shallow ocean (sometimes just wet sand, really) and waiting for the waves to "hit" him. He looked like a surfer with his stance and his bleach blonde hair. He would ride out the little wave as long as he could then fall to the sand laughing. He could've done it for hours. Another day he spent hours digging a hole. It was so deep and once he got it started all the cousins began helping him, decorating it with sticks, making it deeper, etc... It was so much fun to watch them all. We kept track of the hole throughout the week, coming out to check on it first thing each morning to see if the surf had washed it away yet. Last we saw it was still there in all it's glory. At the end of the trip, he was a full on swimmer, bodysurfing the waves in over his head and loving it. This trip went a long way towards helping his confidence in the water.

Jake was great at boogie boarding and had no fear of the water at all. He would have gladly

gone out deeper if we had let him. The house had three boogie boards so the cousins all took turns using them while an adult stayed out in the water with them and "supervised" making sure none of them disappeared into the waves (one of my big fears). He kept at boogboarding and bodysurfing so much that he got a rash on his chest from the sand and surf. He also went off the "rope swing" at the river beach we went to. It was cold, fresh water and he had to swim across the river to get there, but he did it and had a lot of fun. He was so excited to play football on the beach and did so each day with Brian and John. He also organized baseball games out on our back lawn for all the cousins, coaching Aidan how to hit the ball properly.

Faith was content to stay in the very shallow area and play in the sand.

Whenever she could wrangle one or two of the surfboards from her cousins she would pretend they were here doggies or her horsies and would lead them around by the tethers, talking to them and bringing them to their "stable" (created in the sand with two funnoodles). She really wanted to go to a Hula Show and see the dancers so after our first failed attempt we tried again the next night at a different location. We went separate ways that night: Our family and Quincy went to the hula show; Kim's family and Jessa went to the tropical mini golf place nearby; Lisa and John had "date night".

The hula show was a great success. For the fourth song they invited all the kids up to learn how to dance and Faith was eager and willing to participate. She had on her grass skirt and hula top, her flower lei and bracelet and she followed along like a pro. After they taught the kids the dance they ended the show with one last song. The kids all went back to sit in the audience, but not Faith. She got up and stood behind them (off to the side) and copied all of their movements. At the end when the dancers all waved at the clapping audience, she waved, too. She was definitely the star of that number. What a ham!

Evenings were relatively quiet- kids in bed around 8 and adults in bed not much after 9. Except for the first night fiasco of Lisa's purse being stolen out of her bedroom (while we were in a different part of the house) and the general anxiety and typical bummer that kind of theft produces, the trip was wonderful. The kids slept on their own the first night, but after the theft was discovered, and the kids met the responding officers at the front door, they were on a mat in our room the rest of the trip. Falling asleep and waking up with the pounding surf in the background is always a great way to sleep. We are so grateful for the experience and the memories!

Off to the islands.....Mid-Winter Update

We leave for Hawaii this evening. We are staying at the airport hotel the night before our flight as we depart at 6AM and can park for free for the week if we stay there. The kids think we are leaving Saturday morning at 430AM so they will be really excited to learn that we are actually leaving Friday. Miss Wendy had stomach flu on Monday so daycare was closed. She said that it is going around Trav's work and the VA where two of the other daycare moms work so Brian and I decided to tag team it and keep the little ones home all week. It's been a little challenging, but luckily work has been slow. It has been so fun to watch them play together with little interaction from an adult. They are clearly each others best friend. I don't think they have so much as argued all week long and have been doing everything from Nerf War to Legos to snowball fights with Jackson. Of course that has all been interspersed with lots of coloring and quite a bit of TV.

Everyone is so excited for the trip. We are all packed and basically ready to walk out the door after work tomorrow. Tanner has marked Kauai on our map, Faith has heard all about the leis and hula dancers, and Jake is looking forward to the ocean and sand. However, I think Tanner is most excited at this point for the plane ride. I guess from a five year old's perspective that must be pretty cool- to have seen the planes flying through the air all these years and finally be able to ride on one! I am sure the thrill will wear off sometime around hour 2. Or minute 15. We'll see! For me, I am looking forward to sunshine and spending time with my sisters (not necessarily in that order).

We drop Jackson at the kennel at 5PM. He has so quickly become part of our family. We are all going to miss him- although I think Brian will miss him the most. Those two are like peas in a pod. When Brian is gone Jackson lays in front of the front door sadly until he comes home. We are working on the training. He is not very good on a leash and has no fear of the street or cars and will gladly chase any other animal that he sees. But he uses the doggie door religiously, sleeps where he is supposed to, and is learning that the table at dinnertime is no place for doggies. The kids adore him and often spend an hour at a time throwing the ball for him in the backyard (or snowballs at him, as happened yesterday!). Although we all truly miss Milo it is nice to have a younger dog in the house.

Here's to safe travels, warm weather, fresh fruit coladas, and lots of downtime.

Pitchers and Catchers Report

It was a beautiful weekend here, record high temps both days. The first nice weekend towards the end of February always gets me. The sun shines the kids want out to play, the dog wants a walk, people are outside on bikes and my thoughts turn to baseball.

It was so great with the Giants playing until the end of the season for the first time in a few years that it seems like baseball just ended, but as pitchers and catchers get set to report again already, even us LIttle League families are getting back into it.

One of the parents of Jake's team from last year made arrangements for some private hitting practice with the Boise High Baseball coach for the boys so Jake and I headed over to the American Legion indoor hitting facility today for some practice. There were four other boys from his team there and they all got some personalized hitting instruction and got to hit off tees in the cages for awhile. Jake did great, the coach noted that he has a pretty natural swing and gave him a couple of small tweaks to work on and kind of signed off on him. Jake had a really good time, was happy the coach thought he could hit well and just hit the rest of the time. He's really ready for baseball this year and can't wait to start minors.

Since I knew I was taking Jake out this evening, I made it a point of getting Tanner out earlier today on the green across from the house. We hit off the tee, took some grounders, played catch and just worked out for an hour or so. He does really well and is a natural like his brother. One of the aforementioned little league parents came by while we were playing and was amazed by how well Tanner was hitting the ball since he hasn't played league yet. Jake's PE coach also came by and commented on Tanner's strong arm and accurate throws. So Tanner is all fired up and ready for T-Ball to start as well.

We are off to Hawaii this next weekend, but wil be back at it, I am sure, in full swing, when we get back leading up to opening day.

Super Bowl Sunday

After the success of our "Grown-Up Game Night" on New Years Eve, I suggested to Marisa (yes, I suggested...me, I know, right?) that we host a Super Bowl Party for the same group of friends.

Marisa set the whole thing up, sending out the invites, assigning food etc. and come kick-off, there were ten adults and twelve kids in our front room. We had a very good time, with a ton of food and beer (we didn't make the cake in the picture, one of our neighbors did), good conversations for the football and non-football fans alike.

The kids watched here and there (loudly...kids do EVERYTHING loudly I've come to realize), and played in the yard in the dark and up in the boys bedroom and generally left the adults to socialize and/or watch the game. With the exception of a couple of kids rooting for the Steelers to be contrary, everyone was rooting for the Packers and the room was in good spirits for the entire game.

As the game dragged on, we started to lose some folks to bedtimes etc. (it is a school night after all) so only a few die-hards saw the actual end of the game. This was my kind of social event, where watching the TV in the corner is actually encouraged, instead of something you just get caught doing. We had bad food and beer, which I don't really drink that much anymore, but did enjoy during the game.

Jackson was the hit of the party, playing with the kids and making new friends with all the grownups. Now that this party is down we'll see who in the group steps up next time. We have a pretty good gang of friends with Jake's classes parent group. Now we'll have to set something up with Tanner's friends, maybe after T-Ball season...

Grief 101 or 'Everyone Has Their Own Way of Healing"

The kids and I were in the hot tub last night and Tanner suddenly pointed up to the sky and said, 'Look, Mom, there's Milo!". He started waving and telling Milo he loved him. He said he was on the moon, on the star, up in the clouds. I played along, and so did Jake, saying things like, "He's watching us to make sure we are OK" and "Look at that... he is on a big soft fluffy couch!". Jake added that he is sure that he is God's favorite dog. Faith, meanwhile, was looking more and more bewildered and started getting indignant. "I don't see him! Tanner, where is he??? I don't see him!". After explaining that we saw him in our imagination and that he wasn't REALLY in the sky, she enjoyed this way of remembering our Boy.

We received two beautiful condolence cards from our vet this week. One was from our regular vet- Milo was so healthy I think he only saw this vet twice since we moved to ID- and one from the emergency vet that was with us when we had to say goodbye. Both cards were handwritten and so thoughtful. We also received a wonderful card from Auntie Sue (along with some gift cards for ice cream because "ice cream tends to help the grieving process") and a gift box from Grandma Mary and the whole Crebar clan with new toys/treats for Jackson (more on that later) and chocolate and skittles for us (I am a big fan of chocolate, candy, and ice cream helping to heal....). Thank you, too, to everyone that sent emails of condolence- Lissa, we so appreciated your "raising two glasses" in honor of Milo on Monday night and laughed out loud at your offer of a "loaner" :)

So.... Jackson. He's our puppy. Yes, you read that right. Out of no disrespect for Milo, in fact, probably out of a need to fill a very empty spot in our hearts and home, we have a dog. Not a "new dog" or a "replacement dog"... just a dog. We found him online. A military family was being transferred and couldn't take him with them. He is 9 months old and he and Brian bonded immediately upon meeting. We had to take him home. He is a mutt- part Airedale Terrier we think. He joined our family on Wednesday and he is making himself right at home. The kids adore him- Faith loves to play tug-of-war with him, Tanner loves to throw the tennis ball for him, and Jake has already found Jackson's favorite place to be scratched (underside of belly, left side). He follows Brian from room to room. He will clearly be Brian's dog first and foremost.

Even though I was nervous about getting another dog so soon after Milo passed away and felt like we were "dishonoring Milo's memory" in some way, I think this is Brian's way of healing. He hasn't forgotten Milo and never will, but this has helped ease the sadness and given him something different to focus on. Milo's death was really traumatic and sudden. Brian was amazing during the two hours it took to get our boy through it. He was calm and so loving. During that difficult morning I took care of the kids- helping each one to say goodbye before calling a friend/neighbor to come pick them up at 745 so we could get Milo to the vet. Brian sat with Milo and I like to think he helped ease his pain and suffering. He rode in the back of the Suburban with Milo on his lap, petting and talking to him for the seemingly endless drive to the emergency vet. We both cried as we said goodbye and held him in his final minutes. Driving home from the vet with Milo's dog tags jingling from the rearview mirror was hard, but even harder was the quiet and stillness we found in the house when we returned home.

In the hot tub last night I found myself really hoping that Milo was up there, looking down at us, and feeling happy that his people are doing well. The kids wanted to know if when they die they will get to be with Milo. Wow. All these questions about death and heaven and faith and God are hard ones. I guess for me...I'd like to believe that Milo is up there with Grandpa Simonich, eating some bacon treats on a comfy bed, enjoying watching the daily lives of the Alan Family unfold.

Goodbye Old Friend

It's been a rough day today. Our much beloved and VERY old family dog passed away today. It was very hard and traumatic for the kids, and if possible, even more difficult for me. Milo and I had been together for 14+ years.

When I tell people that I didn't know exactly how old Milo was they always thought that he was a rescue dog. That's true to a certain extent, but I'm pretty sure the rescue was the other way around. I had just broken up with the girl I was living with and we were getting kicked out of the house we were renting anyway, when Milo just showed up at the door one day. He was a scrawny little puppy, part pit-bull part something and just the sweetest dog ever. We lived by a truck stop and I'm sure that he was just a truckers puppy who had enough. He had obviously been mis-treated (emotional scars he would carry for the rest of his life), but always had the sweetest disposition. Anyway, I didn't know where I was going in life, or what I was going to do, but now I had this dog to do it with.

I stayed with my Mom for awhile to get some debt paid off and figure life out. Milo couldn't stay with us, so I boarded him at an obedience farm in the hills. Since I was paying so much for him to be there for so long, they threw in lessons for free. I would go see him and work with him on the weekends. Eventually, when I got my life together and bought my house in Tracy on my own, Milo came home with me (very well trained by then).

The house had a huge yard and Milo loved it there. We rode to Home Depot together in the truck on weekends and he would keep me company while I remodeled the house little by little. He was my constant companion while I worked thought this hermit phase of my life. We went everywhere together, he slept in my bed with me (under the covers - he was a wimp in the cold) and eventually, he and I pulled me out of my funk.

When Marisa found my profile on line - Milo was there in my profile picture with me. When she came over for one of our first dates, Milo was there while I cooked us dinner. When we decided to buy our house in Livermore, Milo came with us.

Milo lived thru some of the biggest uphevals in my life with me. Our remodel/addition in Livermore (complete with built in dog-door/tunnel in the blueprints). First Jake, then Tanner, then Faith. The move to Idaho. He was always there, my dog. He became my family's dog, our first dog.

Milo lived a very happy and long, healthy life by doggie standards. He was healthy every day and I like to think happy as well. Much to Marisa's consternation, he was denied nothing by me his entire life. If he wanted on the bed, he got on the bed. He was allowed on the couches. The AC was left on when we weren't home for him. He was never banished from our bedroom (My threat always was, the dog has been here longer then you, if you don't like it, you sleep in the other room) which she always took in the good-natured way it was intended, but he still had his corner.

Milo was not much of a dog by normal dog standards. He didn't play fetch. He would chase the ball, find where you threw it and then leave it there and come back. He didn't like to romp. Didn't like to play with other dogs. As he got older he wasn't much for walks (he would tire after a block or so) but he was always game to give it a shot. His favorite thing to do, for most of his life, was to wake up from a nap, have a BIG doggy stretch, then go find a new spot to go back to sleep.

Anyway, now he's gone. I'll miss you bud. Thanks for the rescue.

God if you're listening, please give him a scratch behind the ears (he liked that). He doesn't need much, just a spot in the sun on a comfy couch if you wouldn't mind. You'll enjoy him, he's a really good dog.

Baseball and Hockey

Yesterday Marisa called into one of the local radio stations and won a contest for four hockey tickets for the Steelheads game last night. Since Faith is still three (at least for a little while more) she is still free. Originally, she said she didn't want to go to the hockey game and was going to stay with Nana while we took the boys. But as zero hour approached, she changed her mind and came with us at the last minute.

We went out to our local "by the slice" pizza place for dinner and then drove downtown to the arena. We had seats up high in the second deck where we haven't sat before. We were in the first row, so we had this awesome view of the entire rink. Aside from being a little concerned that Tanner and Faith might fall thru the railing, the game was great. We have done the four for $40 plan before, and that what we won. Four tickets, four hotdogs and four cokes. Pretty cool free night out.

As usual, we did sleepover night, this time with all three kids on our floor. They slept in late, but again as usual, the morning was marked by fits, crying and yelling. Aside from never going out, I don't know what to do about that as the cause and effect is so obvious. So we announced that everyone would be taking naps, which provoked more crying and yelling....talk about a no win scenario.

In between fits, I took Jake and Tanner down to get them signed up for Little League. Jake is playing AA this year (kid pitch) for the first time and Tanner is staring T-Ball. I will be coaching Tanner's team and am really looking forward to it. It was 25 degrees and icy out this morning when we left, and really hard to believe that pitchers and catchers report in 30 days!

Ski Lessons

All three of the kids were in ski lessons last week. Tanner and Faith were in a small group together in the Mighty Mites program at Bogus and Jake was in a larger group learning to snowboard. They had lessons from 945-12 Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun. This was a huge commitment as it meant we left the house each day at 8AM and by the time we had lunch at the lodge, changed into "napping clothes" for the ride home, and drove back down the mountain it was 2PM.

Originally we had signed up to do lessons in February- one lesson each week on Sundays- but when we were given the gift of a trip to Hawaii mid-Feb we changed plans and this was the only session left. It made for a crazy week but it was also a lot of fun. I have of course always been proud of my kiddos but after seeing them in action this week on the slopes- their willingness to try and to persevere through the extremely cold weather (2 degrees for Thurs/Fri!) I have even more respect for them.

We were all exhausted each afternoon and spent the remainder of each day playing Wii, watching football, and coloring quietly at the table. Brian and I even napped each day- I love that the kids are old enough now to just take care of themselves for an hour!! It definitely wore us all out. The prep for getting all three kids ready for lessons, the car packed, mittens sorted, jackets on, boots on, helmets on, hand warmers in, skis dropped off, etc.... was huge.

On Thursday we dropped Faith and Tanner at the Mouse House expecting some tears or trepidation but they both seemed happy as clams. Jake, of course, was raring to go and had no qualms about his lesson. After getting them all to the right spots, Brian and I headed inside to watch from the warmth of the lodge where they wouldn't be able to see us.

We saw Faith and Tanner trudging out of the Mouse House holding their instructor's hand, bundled up tightly so with hats and gloves and turtlenecks and goggles that only their chins were visible. Right away Faith started to cry. We could see her sobbing. The instructor kept bending down to hug her and comfort her and we watched, hoping it would get better. Tanner, on the other hand, got right into the swing of things and did everything the instructor showed him with no fear. After watching from afar for a few minutes we headed outside. We tried to hide so Faith wouldn't see us and we listened to her crying "I want my Mama! Please let me go inside to see my Mama!". Yeah, that was hard to see and not jump in to fix. She was clearly miserable- but I figured if I rescued her that first day she would never go back the next day and maybe not even next year without trepidation so I surreptitiously took her teacher aside and was told to go inside, not let her see me, and know that she would be just fine, that there were always one or two that cried the first day. OK. So I headed inside to watch from afar.

She cried the entire two hours. Never stopped. However, when Brian picked her up at noon and asked how it was, she said, "Good!". I found out later she only said that because she thought she was done and didn't realize she had three more days to go. Tanner said he loved it and Jake, even though he spent a lot of the time on the ground, said he loved it, too.

Days 2,3,4 were WAY better. No tears from Faith. She ended up loving it and even asked me this morning if we could go skiing again today. The instructors were so amazing with the kids and Tanner I guess was really really helpful with his sister. After the first day his teacher wanted to put him in a higher level class because he was doing so well, but Tanner wanted to stay in the same group so he could help Faith. They are still so sweet together, those two.

Jake's snowboard "report card" that they gave us gave him a glowing review- especially for being the youngest in class by far. Both Tanner and Jake sobbed last night, saying that they missed their teachers and were so sad that they would never ever see them again. Tanner insisted on sleeping with his skiing "report card" that had a picture of his ski group in it. The drama gene is clearly alive and well in our middle son, too.

So now our next step is to figure out how to actually ski with the kids- being outnumbered it is a little tricky. Our plan is to take Grandma up with us this month. Brian will snowboard with Jake while I take turns skiing on the little slope with Tanner and Faith. Mom can entertain whoever is not skiing at any particular time in the lodge. We'll see how it goes and evaluate if it is something I can do on my own with the two little ones.

New Years 2011

It has been many years since Brian and I have had plans for New Years. Generally it is a night like many others- in bed early after a marathon of Mad Men or West Wing, The Wire, Lost, Dexter, or whatever TV show we happen to be addicted to that particular year. Babysitters are hard to come by and really, we're not that social. Dinners out on New Year's are too expensive and neither one of us are big drinkers.

However, this year we planned a Grown Up Game Night at one of our neighbor's houses- Grandma was in town to watch the kids and we were ready for some champagne and adult company after spending practically all waking vacation hours with the children! It was just four couples, but we all brought appetizers and champagne and games and had a great time- all the women even got fancy "2011 HAPPY NEW YEAR" hats. Most of the game time was devoted to Taboo- really funny!

I have to admit, we did not make it up until midnight, we all decided to celebrate New Years on Central Time instead of Mountain. So, at 11PM we used the noisemakers and the English crackers. We were home, asleep at midnight our time, but that's the closest we've come to bringing in the New Year in a long time!

In 2011 we have lots to look forward to: a trip to Hawaii in February with Kim and her family, a 40th b'day celebration at Discovery Bay in August, as well as YMCA Family Camp with friends. Our day-to-day life will remain blessedly the same: both Brian and I working out of our home, spending time with the kids, looking forward to the sports seasons as they come and go (both professional and kids sports!), continuing our newfound passion for fitness with good ol' Tony Horton, and enjoying our relatively simple life here in Boise.

The kids have resolved to eat crust in 2011 (OK.... we resolved it FOR them, actually) while we have resolved to simplify our lives by de cluttering and cleaning out every part of the house- basically trying to make do with LESS and appreciate it MORE.

Happy 2011 to all of our friends and family! We hope that it finds you happy, healthy, and grateful.

Christmas

Christmas Eve day was mellow, filled with card games and Wii, and writing letters/drawing pictures for Santa and his reindeer. Santa had sent personalized video messages for each of the kids, so we watched those together. Tanner was the most entranced by this activity and you could tell he really believed it was from Santa himself. Faith was scared of it at first, but sat on Brian's lap and watched it, even smiling a little as she realized it was just a movie. Jake still wholeheartedly believes in Santa, but he questioned the elves ("Why do they put things in boxes and packaging? It makes me think that they buy the toys at the store instead of making them!") and also the existence of Rudolph ("I don't know if I believe in Rudolph, Mom. I mean, he isn't in all the books and movies and he has a red nose? I mean, why can't Santa use a light?".At 3:30 we put in The Santa Clause 2 and due to the DVD player malfunctioning, we ended up all six of us in our bed upstairs- actually there were 7 of us if you count Milo! We all enjoyed the movie, complete with fresh popcorn.

After a snacky dinner then we opened our Christmas Eve jammies. Mary had made all of the kids jammies for the occasion. I looked stunning in my Mickey Mouse Christmas Feeties and Brian was quite handsome in his Capital High jams that the kids had got for him.

The kids took baths, and then headed back downstairs to open the Family Game. It was a game called Headbandz that Grandma Mary had gotten. Each player wears a headband and puts a picture card on the front of it. You can't see your own picture, only the pictures that other people have. You take turns asking questions to try to guess what is on your head. Faith needed lots of help, but Tanner was KING of this game. He asked great questions and clearly got the deductive reasoning bit of the game. After several rounds of this game we decided it was time for bed.

The kids put out the cookies, milk, and letters for Santa and we put them all together in the boys room- Tanner's mattress moved onto the floor by Jake's bed, Faith in bed with Jake. After about an hour of excited chattering from upstairs, they fell asleep and we went to work on the Talking Princess Oven.

Jake woke up at 4:45 (obviously he takes after his mother in the area of excitement on Christmas morning. I remember waking up that early and then waking Kim up to share in the excitement). The little ones slept until almost six. We brought them all in our bed for a little bit and then let them wake up Grandma (who had already been awake for awhile, I am sure) at 630.

Santa had brought Nerf tag and snuggies for all the kids, and filled their stockings with all sorts of toys, baseballs, books, candy, and assorted craziness. Faith was most

interested in her Pez. We usually take a breakfast break after stockings but this year it was so early no one was hungry yet, so we plowed into the presents, employing the "whoever opens a present picks the next one" strategy. We took a break from the festivities to go pick up Reba (she was at mom's house for the night since she had taken to opening presents under the tree and tearing them to bits during the night) and make pancakes.

The kids played with the things they had opened already-CuPonk for Jake and Tanner, a coloring book and new sharp crayons for Faith. After pancakes and bacon (except Tanner who chose yogurt and sausage... mmmm) we went back to the tree to open more gifts.

Jake's favorite gift was Madden 11- he was sooooo excited when he opened it and must have hugged and thanked Mary about 30 times. I thought he might cry

he was so excited. He also got NFL Football Training Camp for Wii from us, a Mike Lupica book from Grandma Cori, a digital picture frame for beside his bed from Auntie Sue, a dart board from Papa, and some cool new tennis shoes from Uncle Eric.

Tanner and Faith's favorite presents were the Pillow Pets from Quincy and Jessa. They haven't let them out of their sight since Christmas morning- even accompanying us to the airport this morning to drop off Mary. Tanner got a Wii fishing game from us, a build a bear from Mary that has an iPod speaker in it, legos from Auntie Sue, and finger paints/puzzle from Papa.

Faith got the talking princess oven from Auntie Sue, legos (pink, of course) from Uncle Eric, and a Build-a-Bear puppy from Grandma Mary. In the end, they got WAY TOO MUCH STUFF and even tho we vow every year not to go overboard....we did (or, rather, all of the family did!). Christmas Day was pretty mellow, too, culminating with a hastily thrown together dinner of pasta and garlic bread (Note to self: Next year buy the Honey Baked Ham and make the grits!!!).

We were truly blessed by Grandma Mary's presence this year and already miss her. We missed all of the rest of our families and all of our friends in CA but feel grateful to keep up through email, phone calls, Skype, text messages, holiday cards (arguably my favorite part of Christmas!), and even Facebook. Merry Christmas to Everyone!

Christmas Is Coming

Last Friday we took the day off to go Christmas shopping with Mary. We had already finished ours, for the most part, but had to get stuff for the kids from Auntie Sue, Eric, Papa, etc... So fun, shopping with other people's money! We spent the day out- got lunch, Starbucks, hit the mall, Walmart, etc... and had a great time. This week Jake was off school so he and Mary spent most of the time baking and playing cards together. They got a lot of quality one-on-one time together and we benefitted from the yummy cinnamon rolls, cookies, potato salad, spaghetti sauce, Chex Mix, and other treats that they made. Jake has loved the hundreds of games of Go Fish, Old Maid, War, Crazy 8's, and Uno. Plus he has had an almost untiring audience for his basketball moves upstairs. That kid has got quite a layup!

Work was slow with all schools on vacation and scut work all done for the time being so I was able to take it pretty easy- getting presents wrapped during the day, coffee cards delivered to all the "extra" people we wanted to thank, meeting a friend for coffee, and even cleaning out my closet, the kids toy closets, and all of the books. Brian spearheaded that event and even though I nearly cried as I whittled my shoe collection down from 40 to 29 in the end it was well worth it. Bags and bags of crap were donated- two huge boxes of books, several hefty bags of clothes (both of ours), and lots and lots of old toys. The house looks great and we are really hoping to pare down further this year, going for a "simplicity" resolution. If nothing else, we are committing to donating one item for every item we bring in the house. So... if I feel I must have that 7th bathing suit I will need to get rid of one that I already own. If we get the boys yet another shirt, one goes to Goodwill. Hopefully it will help twofold: cut down on our spending for trivial items and also get us to live more simply. After the New Year we also plan on restarting P90X. I was really good until yesterday when I just gave up and decided to put it on hold until Jan. 1. With all the treats around it just seemed sort of pointless!!

We have watched our favorite holiday special twice (Shrek the Halls) and still laugh out loud through most of it- even the kids quote their favorite lines now. Tonight we went out Christmas Caroling with the neighbors- an annual event put on by the Merc. I couldn't believe I got Brian out to do it with us!! He and Faith came home early and had some delicious hot chocolate ready for the boys and I when we returned. Earlier in the evening we had taken some time to drive through the neighborhood admiring the lights and plotting our display for next year. I FINALLY heard my favorite holiday song: Baby it's Cold Outside.

So, all in all, we are all in the Christmas Spirit and ready for a relatively quiet Christmas Eve tomorrow filled with what is sure to be many more card games, some more baking (I am making a double chocolate cheesecake), Wii games, basketball upstairs, a showing of The Santa Clause, family game night (Headbandz anyone?), new jammies, and a "snacky dinner" complete with Lays chips, sandwich fixings, olive bread, homemade potato salad, and spinach dip. It will just be the six of us this year, no turkey dinner and stuffing but lots of time together. Christmas morning will be pretty mellow, too (as mellow as Christmas morning can be with three children under 7 and way too many toys....). I am making pasta for dinner and already have a long Family Nap in the plans for midday, as well as lots of basketball and football on TV :)

I was looking through our Christmas album yesterday and came upon pics from Christmas 2008- we had the joy of seeing so many of our friends and family that year in the Bay Area. We miss you all and send our love this holiday season!

Holiday Triple Header

This last week was the last day of shcool for winter break for both Jake's school as well as the pre-school for the little kids. As such, it was a little bit of a crazed holiday week for us here at home, with teacher gifts, Christmas parties, holiday pajama parties, gift exchanges and performances (and related costuming and make-up madness). But we go thru it and had a lot of fun.

Wednesday was the big day, we had performances at Jake's school during the day and both the little kids had their performances Wednesday night at the clubhouse. Both Grandma's were here and able to go which made it even more special.

All of the kids did great. Jake's performance was HUGE with both 1st and 2nd grades in costume (Jake was a reindeer). He did great and sang along and did his choreography, but did it all in a way that you could tell it was getting to the borderline of "being cool" for him and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the last one he really tries all out in.

Tanner was a sheep in his (complete with wool and

a black nose) and did great for Tanner. Performing doesn't seem to be his strong suit so far. He kind of sang along and rang his bell when he was supposed to. He spent most of the performance staring at his teacher to make sure he didn't "mess up" and smiling when you looked directly at him.

Faith is the performer in the family. She obviously LOVED every minute of it. Singing loudly and smiling from ear to ear. I thought she was going to give herself or the poor boy next to her a concussion with her jingle bell, but we made it thru with no major injuries. We had cookies and snacks after each performance and the kids cam home tired from all the excitement.

We are finally finished with our Christmas shopping for the most part (wrapping...not so much), and coming into the home stretch. Jake is off this week while the kids are in daycare so it should be a less hectic week as we head into the Christmas home stretch.

Merry Christmas to you and yours from the Alan Family!

Extreme Sledding

Here's a video the boys and I took of them seldding this morning over behind the Merc. They wanted me to build a jump and think they are extreme sledders, so I thought I would make an X-Games worthy vidoe out of it for them (you know if they had sledding in the X-Games). Anyway, the boys loved it, so here you go....

The Big Dead Tree

We got our tree a little bit earlier this year than last. We went to the house down the hill from us like we did last year, one day after picking Tanner and Faith up from day care. It was a great day to pick up a Christmas Tree, the snow was falling lightly, we had to shake the snow off the limbs of the trees to see which one we liked. The kids drank hot chocolate while mom and dad argued about the various trees.

The guy had a new species of tree this year that we had never seen before. They were very fat

and round which Marisa immediately liked. The one she really wanted had no top though, so I refused on the grounds that they was no place for our angel. There was another tree of the same type that did have a top and after much shaking and deliberation, we had found our tree. We tied it on the roof of the car and headed back up the hill home.

Some things started to become clear about our out of the ordinary Christmas tree pretty quickly as we tried to put it up. It wieghed about double what normal Christmas trees weighed. This meant I had to try to lift it up in the Christmas Tree stand while Marisa anchored it in place. Cori was over and between the three of us we got it up (not straight, but up), only to stand back and see that it looked like it was about to fall over (for the record, it wasn't it just looked that way). So we had to undo it and start completely over. We were able to finally get it straight enough and got it decorated. To be fair it is a very pretty tree once it was up and decorated.

We had our usual snacky dinner with the Christmas music playing while we dug thru the ornament boxes and I gave each child their ornaments

to hang while Marisa supervised the actual hanging on the tree. This was Faith's year to put the angel on top as you can see and when we were done, we had a very pretty Christmas Tree, all ready for presents.

The other properties of our Christmas Tree species have now begun to reveal themselves. Starting with the fact that it drinks about 2 gallons of water a day. I am constantly filling the thing up. On top of that, I'm not sure what it's doing with the water because it's turning browner and crunchier by the day. There is a large circle of pine needles on the ground and it's kind of looking like a sad "hair club for Christmas Trees" infomercial. I'm pretty sure it will be like a Christmas Cactus by the time the 25th rolls around.

Well it was pretty for a couple of weeks anyway and we've already said that we're going to go back to the old stand-by species from now on for our trees. What is Christmas as parents other than the season of lessons learned?

Santa 2010

The Hidden Springs Annual Holiday Party was yesterday at the barn. Hard to believe that this is our 4th one! The kids were looking forward to seeing Santa- well, the boys were looking forward to seeing Santa. Faith was continuing to tell us that she would not sit on his lap and would we please tell him what she wants this year???

When Santa walked in Faith was fine- no running away screaming or jumping into my arms in fear. That was a good sign. We were patiently waiting our turn when Faith started to show signs of anxiety: asking for me repeatedly, withdrawing, no longer playing with her brothers. All of a sudden she broke out in tears and ran into Brian's arms, sobbing. Heaving sobs, the hiccuping kind that sort of break your heart a little. She was terrified. We assured her that no one was going to make her sit on the fat red man's lap and she sat with her head buried in Brian's shoulder for the next 15 minutes.

Tanner and Jake sat on Santa's lap together- Tanner was not going to do it alone! Tanner asked him for a new stuffed animal, Jake asked for a drum set. Brian took Faith up toward Santa and held her as Santa asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She refused to answer but did say "Thank you" when he handed her the present.

They were all excited about the presents they got. Tanner got Toy Story 3 (I see a Movie Night in our near future!), Jake got a Tom Brady shirt and a Hardy Boys book, Faith got a stuffed horse in a purse. They got to make mini-gingerbread houses, paint tree ornaments, and have lots of treats. Both grandmas got to come this year, which was great. I love the holidays and I was reminded this year how little time we have left to enjoy it through the eyes of small children.

Cinderella

In yet another stunning example of how I am doing things with/for my daughter that I swore I never would.... Mom and I took Faith to the stage production of Cinderella while the boys were at the Boise State game last weekend. So sexist- that the boys are at a football game while the girls are at Cinderella. Oh, well. Mom turned 70 at the end of November and one of my gifts to her was a "girls day out". We saw the ad for Cinderella in the newspaper and decided that would be a lot of fun. We dressed up (well.... by Boise standards anyway) and headed out to Nampa. It was really cute- so many little girls were dressed up as princesses and they were selling tiaras and wands (Thanks, Grandma!). Faith enjoyed the production but was half asleep by the second half. We ended up leaving about 3/4 through the show, meeting up with the boys at home for a pizza dinner and early bedtime.

I am not sure what about the "princess" thing bugs me so much. Brian tells me to stop fighting it and embrace the "girliness" and I am trying... But I just don't understand why she wants to dance and do gymnastics instead of throw a ball and play lacrosse. I don't understand the "pink pages" in the Toys-r-Us catalogue and why those are the only pages she wants to look at. Why does she want barbies and an Easy Bake oven for Christmas? This raising a girl thing has me stymied. The other morning I was putting on mascara and Faith came in the bathroom, grabbed an eyeliner or something and mimed putting it on saying, "I'm making myself pretty, Mama!". A little piece of my heart broke there- does she really already have the message that she can only be pretty if she has makeup on?? I know, I am making too much of an innocent comment but,still, it scares me to think of what messages I am sending her by something as simple as putting on a little makeup once in a while. But the messages are all around us, just like the pink pages in the catalogues, and there is only so much we can do to counteract them.

I love having a girl for so many reasons, but one of them is that it reminds me again

and again that some things, some of our childrens' character traits, JUST ARE. They are not the way they are because of something we do or don't do. As much as we tried to not go down the "princess and barbie road".... here we are. In lots of ways we are handed what we are handed, personality wise. I guess that means I give up taking credit for the good things but also get to give up some of the guilt for the bad things! I"ll take the trade-off!