Lesson Learned?

Jake has trouble controlling his anger sometimes. When he gets mad he tends to slam doors, hit things (not people, luckily), stomp around the house, and yell. We are working on it- but man it is so hard to teach someone how to handle anger. I mean, how do you get the message across that it is OK- really OK- to feel the emotion of anger but also curtail their “acting out” in anger without conveying the message that anger really ISN’T Ok? Does anyone out there know what I mean? What are appropriate ways to show anger? Is it OK to hit things? Well, not people obviously, but what about THINGS? Pillows? OK. Wall? Probably not. Bed? OK. Couch and other furniture? Probably not. What about yelling? Is it OK to yell? That’s what a lot of adults do when they are angry- and certainly an example he has seen modeled in our household, so why is yelling not OK? And if it’s not OK, then what is the consequence? Ugh. This parenting thing is rough. I sure wish I had received the manual that came with the baby and maybe the future therapy bills wouldn’t be so high. But I feel like this week we did something right:

The other day Jake anxiously called me up to his room. He was really worried to show me something up there. Turns out he had slammed his door into the wall and the doorknob had left a big dent in the drywall. He felt so bad about it and was scared to tell us about it. But he did tell us. So, we told him that was what happens when you slam the door, and that is why we kept telling him it wasn’t OK to do when he was angry. We let it go at that- for the time being.

When Sunday rolled around, in the middle of the AM football game, we turned off the game and announced to Jake that he needed to go get $6.00 out of his bank because we were going to Home Depot to buy supplies to fix the wall. He was flabbergasted and a small fit ensued. He couldn’t believe we were not only making him pay for the materials but were also making him buy the supplies himself IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOOTBALL GAME!! Jake also has a couple of misperceptions about justice in the Alan household. One of his favorites when we impose a new rules or consequence is to say, "No fair, you never said that before", or, "you have to give me a warning first" as if we can forsee each argument or all bad behavior in the future and have a plan laid out to deal with it. He also likes to say, "No, I don't agree to that deal" when a new punishment is imposed, like the child rearing is a democracy or something.

So, he and Brian traveled to Home Depot , Jake paid for the materials, brought them home and learned how to fix a hole in drywall. I think he may have learned something about consequences for his actions and taking responsibility for bad decisions.

Will he be slamming his door again? Probably. I am not naïve and we’ve got a lot of years ahead of us here. But hopefully he will remember the disappointment of missing football this week and having to use his money on something other than toys/candy. Hopefully he got to feel the satisfaction that comes from righting a wrong, taking responsibility for his actions, and doing the right thing. Hopefully.