The kids and I were in the hot tub last night and Tanner suddenly pointed up to the sky and said, 'Look, Mom, there's Milo!". He started waving and telling Milo he loved him. He said he was on the moon, on the star, up in the clouds. I played along, and so did Jake, saying things like, "He's watching us to make sure we are OK" and "Look at that... he is on a big soft fluffy couch!". Jake added that he is sure that he is God's favorite dog. Faith, meanwhile, was looking more and more bewildered and started getting indignant. "I don't see him! Tanner, where is he??? I don't see him!". After explaining that we saw him in our imagination and that he wasn't REALLY in the sky, she enjoyed this way of remembering our Boy. We received two beautiful condolence cards from our vet this week. One was from our regular vet- Milo was so healthy I think he only saw this vet twice since we moved to ID- and one from the emergency vet that was with us when we had to say goodbye. Both cards were handwritten and so thoughtful. We also received a wonderful card from Auntie Sue (along with some gift cards for ice cream because "ice cream tends to help the grieving process") and a gift box from Grandma Mary and the whole Crebar clan with new toys/treats for Jackson (more on that later) and chocolate and skittles for us (I am a big fan of chocolate, candy, and ice cream helping to heal....). Thank you, too, to everyone that sent emails of condolence- Lissa, we so appreciated your "raising two glasses" in honor of Milo on Monday night and laughed out loud at your offer of a "loaner" :)
So.... Jackson. He's our puppy. Yes, you read that
right. Out of no disrespect for Milo, in fact, probably out of a need to fill a very empty spot in our hearts and home, we have a dog. Not a "new dog" or a "replacement dog"... just a dog. We found him online. A military family was being transferred and couldn't take him with them. He is 9 months old and he and Brian bonded immediately upon meeting. We had to take him home. He is a mutt- part Airedale Terrier we think. He joined our family on Wednesday and he is making himself right at home. The kids adore him- Faith loves to play tug-of-war with him, Tanner loves to throw the tennis ball for him, and Jake has already found Jackson's favorite place to be scratched (underside of belly, left side). He follows Brian from room to room. He will clearly be Brian's dog first and foremost. Even though I was nervous about getting another dog so soon after Milo passed away and felt like we were "dishonoring Milo's memory" in some way, I think this is Brian's way of healing. He hasn't forgotten Milo and never will, but this has helped ease the sadness and given him something different to focus on. Milo's death was really traumatic and sudden. Brian was amazing during the two hours it took to get our boy through it. He was calm and so loving. During that difficult morning I took care of the kids- helping each one to say goodbye before calling a friend/neighbor to come pick them up at 745 so we could get Milo to the vet. Brian sat with Milo and I like to think he helped ease his pain and suffering. He rode in the back of the Suburban with Milo on his lap, petting and talking to him for the seemingly endless drive to the emergency vet. We both cried as we said goodbye and held him in his final minutes. Driving home from the vet with Milo's dog tags jingling from the rearview mirror was hard, but even harder was the quiet and stillness we found in the house when we returned home.
In the hot tub last night I found myself really hoping that Milo was up there, looking down at us, and feeling happy that his people are doing well. The kids wanted to know if when they die they will get to be with Milo. Wow. All these questions about death and heaven and faith and God are hard ones. I guess for me...I'd like to believe that Milo is up there with Grandpa Simonich, eating some bacon treats on a comfy bed, enjoying watching the daily lives of the Alan Family unfold.
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