Little Successes

It's just so damn hard. Parenting. The balancing act of letting go and holding on. The desire to protect at all costs versus the knowledge that you absolutely have to let them fail. Knowing when to cuddle and when to play "bad cop". And there's so many things to worry about: Is it OK that they eat dessert EVERY SINGLE DAY and think it is their god given right? Are they are getting enough sleep or is 830 too early of a bedtime for an 11 year old? How much is too much television? Are video games ok? What about violent video games? Should I check their homework each night or trust them to get it done and turned in? Are they learning self reliance or is making them make their own lunches just mean?  Are we too strict? Too lenient?  Should chores be tied to allowance or are they supposed to just do chores because they are a member of the family and that is what is expected? Should we help manage the money they earn or is it "all theirs"? And don't get me started on texting and internet usage....

I guess it all comes down to trusting ourselves to know our kids and knowing that we are making the best decisions we can with the information we have. And also knowing that we are going to screw up. A lot. Still... it feels good when you finally see evidence that some of the parenting you have been doing for years is really paying off.

Here's a few examples:

1. Two weeks ago at a Saturday Optimist game Faith asked if she could have a donut (which they sell at the little kiosk located approximately 25  yards from where I was sitting watching Jake's game). I told her that, yes, she could have a donut but she'd have to go buy it herself. I gave her the dollar and quarter and sent her on her way. She returned about 5 minutes later without the donut and said she was too scared to go by herself.  I told her that it was her choice but that if she wanted a donut she would need to go by herself. She would be visible to me the entire time and I would wave to her but she needed to do it alone. She cried. She cried a lot. She cried the entire football game. She sobbed. She claimed she was just too scared to do it. Was I too lazy to go with her? No. Was I too interested in Jake's game  to go with her? No. I told her that I knew she was brave enough and strong enough to do this on her own and that if I went with her I would telling her her the opposite.  I told her that if I went with her I would be telling her that I thought she wasn't strong enough or brave enough and that wasn't the case. I don't think she got it. But I stood my ground. She didn't get a donut that day. The next week at the football game she again asked for her $1.25. I gave it to her and she skipped down the sidewalk to the donut vendor without a glance back at me. She bought the donut and returned to me- happy and confident in herself.

2. Our kids have always had an opportunity to earn and spend their own money, either through allowance or chores or by saving gift money. They know that if they want a toy or something special and it's not their birthday or Christmas then most times they will need to use their own funds to get it.  We are big believers in making financial choices and learning the value of a dollar from a young age. That cheap plastic toy at Target that you JUST HAVE TO HAVE becomes much less desirable and much less important when you realize that your very own hard earned cash will have to be used if you want to bring it home. It is a powerful thing. Last week Jake took his phone- a  hand me down 3 year old flip phone that was falling apart at the seams- with him on a bike ride and it fell out of his pocket and broke. It was not fixable. He borrowed a friend's phone, called me and told me about it and said, " I know I have to buy my own replacement. I have enough money saved. Can you take me to WalMart tonight?". There was never any question in his mind- he didn't even ask- if this would be paid for by mom and dad. He shopped for the phone he wanted in his price range and ended up with a new phone that he is very happy with. He spent his own money and I am convinced he is taking better care of it since he felt the cost himself.

3. Last night there was Scary Movie Night at the Barn. This is an annual event in our neighborhood. It is a fun night with lots of movies, kids watch on hay bales with a bathtub full of candy, popcorn, and soda. The boys and I went, but Faith stayed home to watch Mary Poppins with Brian (she doesn't like anything that is even slightly scary). The next morning our neighborhood FB page had a post with a plea for helpers to clean up the area. Apparently it was a disaster area. I told the kids that we were goin to walk over there at 10AM to volunteer. Faith said, "Well, of course we are!". The kids got brooms and shovels and garbage bags and worked for 45 minutes.  They picked up half eaten candy bars and half empty sticky soda cans.  They worked hard and got two things out of it: First, they saw what happens when they litter (somebody else has to pick it up or the neighborhood gets gross). Second, they saw how little it takes to help out a community. I was so proud of their efforts. On the walk back home Tanner said, "Mom, since we helped out this morning can we get an extra treat at home?" and Jake responded, "Tanner, the "extra treat" is that you did something really nice for your neighbors. It's the good feeling you get inside yourself when you help other people". Well said, Jake.

So... apparently our relentless efforts to instill our children with some core values are paying off in little ways. It's just like in the pictures above: You don't notice all the little ways they are changing until you sit down and take the time to look at the comparison from one year to the next. Then it becomes so clear: All the little changes add up.  I'm so proud of the people they are becoming and, for today at least, actually feel proud of the way I am raising them.